My Most Important Working-Mom Question

Is there any more-discussed or more-debated question among working mothers than the work-life-balance, can-you-have-it-all one? “No, you can’t.” “Yes, you can…but only if you don’t have it all at once.” “Yes, you can, with the right spouse.” “No, you can’t.”

As for me, I’ve been balanced and I’ve been unbalanced. I’ve had more work in my work-life balance (hello, financial crisis) and I’ve had more life in it (particularly after a car accident knocked my daughter out of school for a few months).

But, honestly, this question is not something I’ve ever gotten particularly anxious over. (In fact, at my house, our running joke is that I’m a surprisingly mediocre mother – and that my mediocrity has been an upside surprise.) Perhaps I haven’t spent energy on the work-life balance question because I’ve had a few career breaks – and thus had a few stints as a stay-at-home mom…. and I didn’t love it. I love my kids, but I didn’t love being a full-time mom. And my kids didn’t vastly prefer it over when I worked outside of the home either.

It’s also because I have posed a different question to myself over the years, one that I don’t think is receiving enough attention: and that question is what behavior I’m modeling for my children and what lessons they take away from observing me and their father in our careers.

Here’s my thinking: I’m honestly not sure whether, in my kids’ lifetimes, they will have more leisure time than we do, or whether they will have to work more. But I’m erring on the side of assuming that they will be required to work; and that my daughter may not have the luxury of even asking herself, or debating, the work-life balance question. I’m assuming that the changing economy means that she could be required to work outside of the home and reinvent herself and her career numerous times.

It is thus encouraging to note that research indicates that my working outside of the home can have a positive impact on my children. It indicates that daughters of women who work earn more in their own careers; and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my son self-identifies as a feminist.

With that as a foundation, the question I always come back to around work and family, for me, is what behavior I’m modeling for them. Do they see a mother who loves what she does? Or one who is beating herself up over it? Do they see a mother who is empowered through her work? Or who is dragging herself out the door every day? Do they see a mother who shrugs off being 15 minutes late for the school play or who is angst-ridden over falling short? Do they see a mother who can make an impact on the world around her through her work?

This lesson hit home hard for me when a now-retired, one-time-very-senior women in finance shared with me that neither of her children chose to go into business and wouldn’t touch the financial services industry with a ten-foot pole. When the topic came up on a family holiday, they said it was because she had been so clearly miserable during her time in the workforce. She relayed to me that she had felt so guilty about being away from her children that she apologized repeatedly for it and told them how she would prefer to be home with them if she could be. But in truth, she’d had an exciting, engaging career.

What an eye-opener.

There is plenty I have gotten wrong as a mother (again, I am surprisingly mediocre); but I have tried to demonstrate for my children that one can have an impact through one’s work, with family-dinner-table discussions balanced between what’s going on for them at school and what’s going on for their father and me at work. But this doesn’t mean I’ve played Pollyanna: I’ve also always been crystal clear with them on the ups and downs I’ve had on my career, since I really doubt theirs will be straight lines to success. I think better for them to see me get knocked down and then get back up, than for me to hide the details of the journey. (Again, especially important for my daughter, since we females tend to take failure harder than males.) And especially for them to see that a career doesn’t have to be all great to be great.

Thinking of my career through the lens of what my kids see has also provided me with another perspective. When I face a difficult decision, I often ask myself how I would explain that decision to my kids. If they Google me, what will they read? Will they be proud of me? Would I want them to make the same decisions that I am making?

The “can we have it all” debate will certainly continue. For me, it is through the filter of the example I want to set for my children that I often find my path through my career.

This article originally appeared on LinkedIn.

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Sallie Krawcheck is the CEO and Co-Founder of Ellevest, a digital investment platform for women. You can request an invitation here. She is also Chair of Ellevate Network, the global professional women’s network.