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Webinar: How To Be More Confident by Learning Assertive Communication

Online • July 29, 2020

Want to increase your confidence, improve your interpersonal communication, and be more fulfilled at work? Tune in to learn how to boost your confidence through assertive communication.

Summary

Welcome everyone. I can see you guys are coming from all over the country the US and also from you know Spain Canada and all sorts of places in the world so I thank you for being here. I'm really excited and happy to share some of my thoughts with you. And, yeah, I know it takes some time to get out, you know, out of whatever you're doing, I'm sure you're all very busy to come in. Spend some time learning and soaking in some, some knowledge.

18:09
So, I truly believe this is a topic that I believe is so important for women, you know I I went through this process where I thought, what what is the one skill that I wish I had learned in my early 20s before I started my career? And I think every woman should have the opportunity to learn this, which is assertiveness, it can it can be so helpful. And, and we're not really taught this in the school or in the universities or even in graduate programs, our parents don't teach us, our bosses and work we generally don't learn these things. And so a lot of us are left to figure this out on our own, and we women, we have this tendency to try to be nice and kind and sometimes we forget how to, how to own our power, the power that we have and assertiveness helps us do exactly that you have the owner power and be nice and kind. At the same time, So, I hope, I think, can everybody hear me is all everything good. Just write down on the chat so I can get going here. Great. Fantastic.

19:25
Now, I want you to imagine for a second. Okay, What would life be like and work be like, if you could ask for whatever you wanted without the sense of guilt. I guess I know some of you have this guilt or maybe fear of rejection, or other fears of being judged by others. What if you could say no without feeling like you know you're anxious. And, like you're being mean or selfish, in any any way. What if you could focus on activities that you want to do rather than what you're told what to do, or even, you know, whereas sometimes you you try to juggle both right you do the stuff that you want and the stuff that you're told. But then that consumes so much of your time and you're overwhelmed and you have you know all your home obligations and kids and things like that and there's just not enough time. And you feel like you can't really say no to others you can't prioritize what's important to you.

20:23
But what if you could, what if you could give negative feedback to others without being disliked without feeling like you're being, you know awful or mean, what if you could speak up in meetings as yourself authentically yourself and be heard by others and not you know be interrupted as much. And what if you could get others to respect you and even to acknowledge you to value you to appreciate you, in your work in your in your environment in your job. I think those are really important scenarios. Would that make you if you could do those things would that make you feel confident and could it do other things for you.

21:06
And so what I want to share with you today is all about assertiveness and how it can help you achieve all those things. It can help you develop meaningful work relationships. Be authentic and successful at the same time, be you and successful, be liked and powerful, these things don't have to be exclusive. Boost and project your confidence, be appreciated valued and cared for at work.

21:31
And so today, we're going to cover three main things we're going to talk about your most used communication styles, so we're gonna go through a few little exercises to help you figure that out. We're gonna talk about 10 habits of confident assertive communicators, that you can start implementing, and we're gonna talk about the high level assertive communication formula, so that you can go off and start having more assertive conversations. Let's start with trying to identify your most used communication style. So I'm going to have seven questions for you to answer. I'm going to explain to you how this is going to work. And at the end we're going to do a poll, with the results. And then you're going to just put your results in. So, this is a sample it's not you know by any way, comprehensive is just so you know we do have limited time here so I just want you to use to get a sense of some situations and how you would respond. And just to answer these questions not based on how you think you should behave. But answer it based on what you would most likely behave like like what, what would you and your current, you know state who you are right now, what would you tend to do, rather than what you think you should be doing okay this is not about aspirations about who you are right now. And what you're going to do is if you have a paper it's easier if you have a paper if you don't you're gonna have to kind of mark it in your mind so seven and a half seven questions and you're gonna have to choose either A B C or D for each one, it's only one answer per each, and you're going to choose whatever works best for you might be might not be the situation that you identify with the most but just choose the one that is most closely related to how you would respond okay and then you're going to basically at the end you're going to count for the seven questions How many times did you answer a How many times did you answer B. How many times did you answer see and how many times did you answer D is that easy to understand, could you understand that. Is that good or do I need to explain this a little bit more. Let me show you what the questions are gonna look okay great. Got it. Fantastic.

23:37
So this is the first question. Okay.

23:40
You want a colleague, somebody you know to connect with you. With, connects you with someone from their network maybe they know somebody on LinkedIn, and you want access to them and maybe they know somebody in personal life. And so, which of these options would you choose:

23:59
A, you don't have the courage to ask, and you just let it go.

24:05
B, you offer something first. So you want to first give. And then you ask for the favor but not you only ask for the favor after you've given them something first and then right after that, then you'll ask for the favor, almost like a compensation.

24:19
C, you tell them that they owe you the favor because of something that, you know, you've done way in the past.

24:26
D you ask them nicely and then you explain how that favorite would help you.

24:32
So, write it down, is your most likely response to this situation. A B C or D. Can you guys see the Can you guys see the questions, because I'm getting you can't see all the options. So you're good. Okay, it seems like the most, most of you can see. Okay, so those are the perfect. Okay. Those are the four questions.

24:58
Next, a work colleague consistently interrupts you in meetings, what happens, what do you do?

25:05
A, Do you tell yourself a story that justifies why they interrupted you so you can avoid conflict, like for example, would you tell them when you think to yourself, oh you know my job isn't that great. Anyways, you know I let it pass are they, they're, they have something more relevant to say.

25:24
B, do you start to intentionally interrupt them in meetings as well. You know they're interrupting usually can interrupt them.

25:32
C, Do you immediately point your finger at them and say stop interrupting me.

25:37
D, do you invite them for a chat later in the day, and explain that you don't like being interrupted, and that you'd like to finish your comments first without, you know them interrupting maybe explain why as well. So, which one do you most, most likely do, what would you would you react to how would you react. A B C or D, take note.

26:00
Number three. Here we go. Let's say a team member is late for an important meeting that you are heading that you're in charge of - okay good I see Deepa got her hers working. A, you're upset but you just let it go you're like okay whatever, let it go You know I'm not gonna get you know to obsess about this

26:23
B, you make jokes about people being late in the meeting without mentioning their names.

26:28
C, you tell them to leave because you don't tolerate late arrivals.

26:34
D, you talk to them at the end of the meeting ask why they were late, explain the impact of it, and then ask them to come on time the next meeting. Write down your answer A B C or D.

26:48
Four, your employees starts to -- and if you don't have an employee this could be a client or somebody that you you know you work with, or in a project maybe you're leading the project and somebody reports you on that project -- starts to treat you cold. Suddenly, and with no explanation so they're kind of like quiet, they make faces at you and you don't really know what's going on. Do you...

27:10
A, try to be really nice to them because something's wrong clearly they're upset at you like, are you going to be nice to them, it'd be really really nice, maybe give them some extra treats or just try to be really nice.

27:23
B, Do you ignore them and like, what you think, they don't... There's nothing for them to be upset about.

27:29
C, do you make a joke out of it.

27:31
D, you ask them if there's an issue.

27:35
Five, let's say a vendor insisted on giving a presentation about their software. And you absolutely you're not interested in the software like you know you don't want to see the software. Do you...

27:47
A, watch the presentation anyways because just to honor their time.

27:51
B, do you stop responding to their phone calls and emails because this guy is like really pushing you. You just ignore him.

27:58
C, do you tell, let's say it's a guy right, him that his software is garbage.

28:05
D, you insist that you're not interested. And that you don't want a presentation. Like, this could be a vendor, a vendor that you know but don't know very well. Right, so it's a vendor that you're not really interested in having a long term relationship with.

28:26
Six, Let's say you believe you're ready for a promotion right you you have good reviews you're ready you have, you know, great. You've done great things in the company.

28:36
A, Do you work even harder in your cubicle. Try to stay humble and hope that they're going to notice you.

28:45
B, Do you plan to get another job offer, with the goal of using it to negotiate a salary increase or promotion.

28:54
C, if you tell your boss that if they don't, if they don't promote you you're going to quit.

28:58
D, do you routinely show your boss and other higher ups that you're what you're doing your contribution to the Department of the company. And then you present your case for a promotion to schedule a meeting you present your case.

29:11
A B C or D And last question.

29:15
Seven, your boss gives you harsh criticism in front of other people, and it hurts.

29:21
A Do you feel like you are maybe the problem is you right maybe you're just too sensitive and you just need to toughen up after all. Maybe they tell you that you need to toughen up.

29:31
B, you quit the job because hey, that's just unacceptable.

29:36
C, you tell your boss, they're absolutely wrong and and treating you unfairly.

29:42
D, do you do ask your boss for details and express how you'd prefer to receive that criticism. So, you know, not in front of others and with more facts and whatever.

29:53
Okay that is the time, so did take note of your, how many times did you get, did you answer a. How many times did you answer B, how many times you have C and and how many times do you answer, D. And count how many you had.

30:08
Seven times d ooh very nice, very nice. That's amazing seven times d, d is the assertive behavior. So if that's how you act act in real life. That's amazing. That's fair. Very good.

30:24
A means you tend to be more passive you avoid things you don't like conflict, we're going to talk about the styles. Be is more passive aggressive is more manipulative but it's not a bad thing. It's not like terrible terrible thing it's not like you're a bad person because you're manipulative. It just means that you have you're passive that you avoid confrontation. But that you want to. You want to get what your way you want. You want to have some control. Okay, I see a lot of A's some people got a lot of A's I was, I was a lot of a and b before. Absolutely, split of A and D. Very good. Very good.

31:05
A lot of Ds again.

31:07
Yeah, and this is there's nothing wrong or right with this this is just our how we we behave. And it just gives us a starting point to think, okay, maybe there's something here maybe this is not serving me maybe I need to try a different way of dealing with these situations. Exactly. So if you're a or b i was a or b for a long time it was very hard to get through this. But it wasn't serving the people that work for me were a lot of them were A's or B's especially the women.

31:37
C, aggressive happens with women. And sometimes it's, and here's the deal it's not like you necessarily it changes by behavior by situation. It changes based on who you interact with and we're going to get through this. And remember, this is a sample so it's not going to give you a comprehensive understanding of how you behave in certain situations but it gives you a hint.

32:02
Now is the poll time. So yeah, now's the time for the poll. Put in your answers. So you've been sharing here but just so we can see everybody's response and how you know this, people who are here, us professional and I have a sense that we're going to have more people on the A's and B's and fewer on the Cs fewer of the aggressive now we tend to sometimes get aggressive when we, when we get really really really frustrated with not getting what we want. And maybe that and that could cause a moment of aggression, but it's not like we're intentionally being aggressive aggressive. So fill in the, the, the poll it'll be really interesting to see how, how we split right between these all look at that we got the results.

32:55
We have, whoo very nice we have a good amount of assertive that's amazing fantastic. And then we have a, the second biggest group is the passive avoidance one. And I think this is, this is great so if you are on the passive side, we're going to give you some strategies today. If you're assertive This is good because now you can really understand how you're assertive and how it's serving you so that you can continue to do that or even refine the way you deal with, with your conversations with your hard conversation especially. Very nice. I can see some of you're already moving from passive to assertive already intentionally trying to make that shift which is amazing. So I'm going to close this, but this was really good.

33:46
And let's talk about the four communication styles. And this is not like it's not you, it's a skill that you develop over time. So passive communicators, they tend to not express themselves as much. They want acceptance from others they that's why they do a lot of people pleasing. They feel a lot of guilt and resentment because they don't get what they want and stress because they're just overloaded with them on a work is a sense of being a victim and a fear of rejection, lower confidence because you can't get you don't get what you want so you feel like you don't have any control over the circumstances. It's hard to express opinions. So you tend to stay quiet is hard to make decisions on your own, so you kind of let other people make decisions for you sometimes you over justify everything you do. Like, it's something wrong and you have to give a justification, you say sorry a lot even for things that you don't need to say sorry for, like, speaking up, you avoid criticism, and even feedback is something that you avoid, you don't like you deny compliments. If somebody says, you know, you know you were amazing. And you might say well it's just pure luck. And you don't ask for help as much or for it, you know anything. And you don't make requests.

35:07
Now, aggressive communicators they are the opposite they express themselves, but in a disrespectful way towards others. And they're very controlling commanding somewhat demanding and hostile their body language is also hostile. So sometimes these insults and accusations not everybody but it tends to happen a lot. If you're losing control over others they don't listen to others they interrupt often always want to be right force decisions on others. They're harsh and their criticism and they don't give a lot of recognition. Maybe you know people who are like this.

35:44
Maybe you know that you know maybe some people that you work with have this sort of behavior.

35:51
I'm actually getting... Ivna, is this usually the results? Yeah, this is, I think I get a lot of for women, a lot of passive and passive aggressive. And remember passive aggressive is not like a freak sort of thing that sometimes we think it is. All that means is somebody who's scared of conflict, and is trying to express themselves and trying to regain a little bit of control over their circumstances. Their job their life passive aggressive.

36:27
So, getting into it, they find it very similar to passive and the avoidance side, so they tend to manipulate, be very indirect in trying to get what they want. And so they're also very vague, and they do the you know they do a little bit blaming and these are different ways that they try to use to get what they want. And they also expect others to recognize their sacrifice, they might do things for you and then they want something in return. And they use. You ever seen the silent treatment like somebody's just being quiet and and looking at you funny and they don't say a word. You know sometimes that's the the passive aggressive. That's upset about something doesn't have the courage to talk about it.

37:14
And then the assertive and some of you a lot of you talked about and mentioned that you behave a certain way in the situations that I share today. So you're, you're, you feel more confident you respect others but you respect yourself. You're not rude you don't manipulate others you just get straight to the facts you protect your boundaries, you can say no without any issues. You're deliberate about what you choose to do and how to use your time. You can disagree with people, and with your boss, even without authority. You have your own opinions and you share them and you listen to others, but you also speak up, and you take responsibility for what your choices are in for what you say. You like feedback, giving and receiving both negative and positive. And you ask for what you want.

38:02
And so when you are assertive, you're able to deal with all the other time you're able to deal with passive with passive aggressive and with aggressive, you sort of way of communicating helps you deal with all the other difficult types. And that's why it's so important.

38:22
So, we found which ones with what you know you found your predominant style. In the situations that we talked about. Now here's what assertiveness can do for you it can help you get others to treat you with respect, treat you well. It makes you feel a lot better by it. This is the confidence side. And it makes it so much easier to communicate effectively.

38:46
So for example, it allows others to really appreciate recognize by you, and even potentially promote and respect you more. Makes you be authentic and be more confident feel happy positive, have positive outlook on on work on life because you feel like you have control over the circumstances. It also boosts your productivity because you can say no. And you're at your best and helps you communicate more effectively because you're able to gain an influence and power through your communication. You can give and receive feedback really easily positive and negative can ask for what you want, you can say no without anxiety and speak up easily.

39:31
Okay. Now, what does it mean that sort of not and I'm sure that if I asked you what assertiveness means you'd all have a different definition. But assertiveness is the ability to express and defend your needs rights desires requests in a very calm. Non anxious respectful way. And it's not about being extroverted or introverted it's not about being rude or mean or pushy in any way. All it is is a form of communication of expression starts inside. But externalizes through the communication, and it can be learned. And it's a skill. And that's the beauty of it that's why I'm so passionate about this topic. Because I've seen so many so talented women be not be recognized not be taken seriously at work because they give away this this power. Right.

40:24
And so your communication style can also change based on the interactions that you have. So people that are very close to you that you see very often. Maybe your boss your employees or somebody a friend that you see almost every day, versus someone that you don't see very often and you don't know very well like you know somebody in your distant network or, you know, vendor or some, something like that. And then also by authority and I think a lot of us women struggle with authority. And I struggled with authority a lot. So, high authority would be maybe your CEO or your boss or somebody that you view as kind of like higher ranked than you. And low authority is somebody that is at the same level or below that you see you don't see as a threat or an authority in any way.

41:17
And so I'm gonna, I'm going to invite you to think about how you you communicate what's your style now that you understand the four styles. Does that change based on the quadrant here so if you're, you know, with high authority let's say your boss or how authority and somebody that you see very often. How do you behave with them is that are you passive or passive aggressive or assertive, or aggressive. And then what about with somebody who's close but not as much of an authority like an employee or friend. What about somebody who is an authority but that you don't see very often, you don't know much about, like, maybe the CEO of your company or somebody it's not an authority and distant they don't worry well like a colleague a client or some contact that you want to have somebody, you know, who knows somebody in your network. So tie these two together and when you think about this right how, how do you behave.

42:19
Generally, with these different these four different types of interaction in people and relationships, because that's going to really help you understand where you need to focus, where you need to focus your attention.

42:36
So now is our poll number two. And so let's bring, were you gonna let us know you're going to put in you can answer more than one. Where is it hard for you to be assertive today and maybe you. You're, you're avoiding them or you find them, you know it's hard with authority, but just, just to get a sense from this group. Who is it hardest most challenging to be assertive with from these, these options so is it your boss, maybe some difficult colleagues that you have around higher ups that maybe you don't know very well. People that work for you, customers, suppliers vendors.

43:18
I'm seeing here some A's and B's yeah the boss is always hard sometimes right sometimes if we have a great boss and it's easy but if we don't, then it becomes really difficult right sometimes it does a higher ups. Yeah, the authority thing right. It's tough. Difficult colleagues. It's hard. It's hard especially let's say if they're just like one level up, it tends to be a little bit more challenging to deal with.

43:47
Okay, we got some results here. Exciting so let's see here we have.

43:55
Okay, number one, number one the biggest one are the higher ups that you don't know very well wow okay this is interesting. Are you guys surprised that these results. Yeah, well the slides will be will be available, this whole presentation is going to be available in the replay so you're going to have it. And maybe I'll see if I can provide the slides as well. Yeah Are you guys surprised with this, not surprised right not surprised. So higher ups. number one difficult colleagues number two your boss number three. And then, it seems like you guys don't have a lot of issues with suppliers vendors customers or employees. Not surprised.

44:34
Isn't that interesting that we have this difficulty with authority, and you know where that comes from a lot right. The psychologists, I'm not a psychologist, but I read a lot of books on psychology and it's all about society and you know upbringing and home with the Father role and all of that stuff but, yeah, we need to get over that we need to get over that, it's hard but we do need to get over that and realize that they're not that they have flaws, right authority is not Superman Superwoman.

45:09
So let's get going here. The 10 habits of confident and assertive communicators. Clarity values and behaviors. Those are the three areas. And there's this story that I shared once on Quora and got literally got more than a million views and hundreds of comments and shares, because I think it's very relatable. And it was around this question, you know, I accepted a job offer but then received a much better One Two weeks later, what is the right thing to do. And people were going back and forth around what what the right thing to do was and what I did I was really shocked. This is right after college, very passive behavior. and I wanted so bad that second. It was my dream job. But those results were not out when I, when the deadline for the first job came through. So I said yes for the first job they started you know, I went there they introduced me to everyone had my desk ready everything was prepared my future boss was super excited.

46:12
And then I got the second offer and I had to confront reality, what was I going to do was I going to let go of my dreams. Or, and be and not be selfish and mean with the first boss, or what I do the opposite what I people please, do you know make sure that the first boss was happy but then just resent it day in and day out, and I chose the second one, I took my dream job, and I did a terrible job, a terrible job in communicating this for the first boss and saying that I did, I was gonna. I had given up on that first job offer. I did it by email. It was impersonal. And obviously he was really upset. And I did burn some bridges because I didn't do it well. But I did it because I had clarity. And so I didn't mess up my future because I didn't I lacked the clarity, because I had the clarity on what was important to me. But I didn't know very well how to deal with the situation, adopting the right behaviors.

47:24
So, clarity means tuning in with what you want, even if it feels selfish. You understand that sometimes we feel selfish, we women feel like we should not be selfish, we always have to give to others. That's not true. You need to tune in with what is it that you want, because you have to be able to give to yourself and feel satisfied in order to to beat your best version for others as well. So figure out what it is that you want, what are your dreams, your goals your ambitions, how do you want to use your time and energy clarity as well. You need to find the conversation, purpose, you need to ask for every hard conversation that you need to have you need to figure out what is the purpose of this conversation is it to connect, is it to get what you want is it to build trust, is it to be heard. Is it to express yourself. It makes it so much easier.

48:20
And the third element of clarity is to clarify assumptions instead of guessing. Because when you clarify your assumptions about what kind of assumptions, assumptions or expectations so assumptions about that you have about other people why they're looking funny at you, what they want, what they need, what their expectations are of you, and assumptions and also clarifying the assumption that you have that others, probably know what you want what you desire, how you feel about issues. You might think, oh the boss should know that I want a promotion I deserve a promotion and you stay quiet never ask. You cannot or that you the boss should know that you want work life balance, they should know anything you have to clarify, all of those things. In the values, you're honest, even if you're going to hurt some feelings.

49:14
Because you don't own the feelings and honest means honest and the message, but you can still deliver it in a kind way but you might still hurt feelings but you can still be kind and respectful in how you deliver that message. That's interesting. So you see a lot of people went through this the example, a Sylvia just mentioned she went through the job offer situation yeah a lot of people went through that dilemma at some point in their careers values.

49:45
Still in values you are kind even if the message is negative, you can still that's where you you maintain your kindness your caring. Your politeness, and the third element of value is that you own your feelings but not of other people because you have to separate those things you don't you're not in charge of other of making people feel good because feelings are something that is constructed based on one's vision of the world on how on their entire experiences and how they see something, one situation can be interpreted in 100 different ways by 100 different people. And there are feelings associated with interpretation so you're not responsible if somebody feels upset because of something.

50:30
But you are responsible for your feelings. So you have to disassociate for that. Then you have the behaviors, asking for what you want even if you don't know if you're going to get what you know what you asked for. and asking not only when you're in a situation like here you're desperate. Ask for success. Ask so you can have more you can grow faster, you can get more resources you can get more done, not just when you're sure it's easier to ask when something things are going wrong but ask some things can be even better. And I think that's sometimes what we don't do.

51:07
Stone behaviors, express yourself, even if you're introvert, even if you're afraid, even if you're going to mess it up.

51:15
Because when you express yourself in the beginning and you don't really you're not used to it. Yeah, you're gonna mess it up a little bit, but it's with time and recurring attempts and training that you're going to get better and better. And you're not going to get better if you don't start. And so, let it be a little bit messy but your message is still out there. And you seek feedback, even if it's criticism because you know there's so much value in there you can learn about having a curious and open mindset. And then finally, embracing accomplish this isn't the behaviors embracing compliments, even if you don't really believe it, because sometimes we, you know, we don't say just thank you and appreciate it maybe even ask questions, to understand better understand the compliment. We ignore it, or we say that's not true, or we question the good judgment of who's giving you a compliment. And do you think they're going to give you a compliment again, no self worth. It's absolutely self worth.

52:19
So now we're going to get into our next poll. So we have this is the summary of the 10 habits around clarity, values and behaviors let's bring in the poll number three. Which one of these sort of habits, do you feel like you need to work more on. So these 10 habits, which one is more.

52:41
It's something that you think okay maybe I need to, you know, work on this a little bit I need to evaluate how I behave and maybe improve or try new things, maybe you're just not happy with, with where you are with that point and you think that that habits going to really help help you be more assertive be less passive with your boss with other higher ups or difficult colleagues.

53:08
Be honest even if you're hurt some feelings. Yeah, absolutely. That's why I, you know, our tagline is having confident candid and caring conversations candid is honesty, but also caring is polite, is the is the how you do it. 10 expressing yourself. Yeah. Seven owning the feelings but other people's feelings yeah for your honesty. Absolutely.

53:40
Whoo, we got a mix. you know, pretty good mix of things here. The top ones are being honest, even if you'll feel hurt. If you'll hurt some feelings and owning your feelings. So, look at that, it's about the hurting feelings we're afraid of hurting feelings. We're afraid of rejection. and then comes asking for what you want expressing yourself clarifying assumptions and tuning in. Amazing. Amazing. Look at that. Kindness is not a problem for us. We don't. We're not like too worried about not being able to be kind, but everything else is something that we could work on, so fantastic.

54:24
Now we're going to just quickly talk about the assertive communication formula. And this is very high level, not going to give you scripts or anything like that today, but it's about elevating delivering and closing. Right, elevating the conversation delivering it and then close elevating is about first pausing and reflecting, not having that automatic, you know, Sure I'll do it, no pause for a moment center understand what, what, where you are, what's your emotion, making sure that any negative emotions and fears are not taking up your, your answer. And then deciding the best time and place to have that conversation. And then connecting with the purpose for the conversation that we talked about. And then sharing that purpose with or agreeing on that purpose with your, your whoever you're talking to, and connecting with them by, you know, having with empathy or acknowledging them listening.

55:18
This is the, the connection point at the beginning, before you move on to delivering your message, describing the situation, making it factual if it's if it's negative, sharing your feeling with I statements, you know, such as I feel confused, I feel upset I feel disrespected When this happens, and then asking for what you want it could be a change in behavior. It could be a promotion, it could be, or the feeling could be positive as well like I feel like I'm ready for this I feel, you know, challenged or anything like that, and then ask you for the change or the feedback or whatever it is that you want. The opportunity, and then closing. Going back to the relationship closing has a little bit to do with negotiation so first you need to clarify the consequences the positive things are going to help you, you want to say that you know if you ask for something and they said yes you want to show you know how that's going to be help you in your future and how it's going to bring great things for you, or explain negative consequences of an employee, not showing up for meetings, then getting their confirmation you have to get them to say yes, I agree. Or no, so that you can have that space for negotiation.

56:32
And then finally reaffirming the relationship. This is the caring part again. Reaffirming that you enjoy them you appreciate them you appreciate the time that they dedicated to that. And their support even if they can't help you.

56:47
And so, we covered these three elements today, we talked about your communication style and by interaction the 10 habits and the formula. I'm gonna leave you with this quote, "the duty to ourselves is greater than that we owe others."

57:05
And I really appreciate you taking the time to be here today and letting me serve you. I'm just going to give you this final bonus that you can if you want to learn more if you want to go a little bit into more depth on how to be assertive without being rude or that being mean, but still speaking up. There is a have like another video, which is about 15 minutes at this at this link here so I'll add it to the chat here as well. And you guys can download it and I'll take questions now if you have any if we have any time I'm not, I'm not sure if we have time for it but what's the situation.

57:48
Ivna thank you so much for your presentation we do have time for some questions if anyone has them please plug them into the chat box. You did a great job answering questions as we went along today. Thank you for that. Please feel free to put them in at any time. Thanks for this offer as well, even if you're having trouble putting it in the chat box I already have it typed out out perfect.

58:13
Wonderful, wonderful. Yes.

58:16
And via this link on the, on the in the chat box is there a way to send an email or get in touch with you as well?

Speaker 2 58:26
Oh yeah, absolutely. Let me put my email here. And I can also maybe whoever signed goes gets you know registers for the bonus I can also email the presentation or because I thought some people asked me about the presentation.

Speaker 1 58:49
Yeah, that would be wonderful. There are some people interested in the actual slides, so the the video recording of this presentation will be uploaded on to the Ellevate website and will work with even about getting the slides out to you as well. That'd be great. And do you think I see a question that came in and we just find it. Can I read this out to you. Yeah, sure. How is best to respond to someone who is being passive aggressive.

Speaker 2 59:16
Hmm. Yes, so the best way. The best way, because remember they're, they're avoiding the conversation, there's something that's bothering them they're upset. You can tell they're upset, but they don't want they're avoiding the hard conversation. So the best ways for you to help them have that hard conversation. And how do you do that, asking questions. That's simple. All you need to do is ask open ended questions. You know oh I sense that something is you know something's wrong, what's going on. Is everything okay.

59:52
It seems like you're you're upset. Is there anything happening. Just ask very friendly, open ended questions show that you're you're just the tone, in which you share it is going to show that you're open, and that you're not trying to attack them. You just really want to understand what's going on. And when you do that, they're more likely to open up because what are they going to do run away and say, No, there's no issue. And then you can say Well no, but I can see something's going on, you're doing and then you say, I can see you're doing this. And so they can't run away from that. So that's the best way is asking questions, bringing in the conversation. Thank you.

Speaker 1 60:37
There's another question that came in, should you always compliment someone when inquiring about a particular subject.

Speaker 2 60:45
So compliment someone went inquiring. Like when asking a question about a product particular subject I'm not sure I quite understand that question. Yeah, you, you, you don't need to say, you mean appreciating other people if they're answering or doing something for you. If they're doing something for you. It's always, it always makes sense to appreciate it. For sure, because that is part of the caring part of the equation, where you're, you also want to incentivize him to, you know, help you more in the future, and you're not going to do that by ignoring sometimes what happens is, let's say, even your boss does something for you. And you just assume that it's their it's their job to do something for you. And then you don't appreciate them and you don't realize how hard it was for that boss to move the sticks around or to go and ask for a certain opportunity for you. And when you don't do that the boss is also not going to feel appreciated. And if he has another opportunity to do something for an employee he might choose to help somebody else and not you, because you didn't make him feel good, because when he did help you, or when she helped you. I'm saying he because I'm thinking my boss was much mostly he's but or she helps you. So consider that as well. I think that's always why whenever you can do appreciate people.

Speaker 1 62:22
You know, and we do have time for one more question here. What's the best way to speak up. If you have an opinion that may be important, but it's outside of your own department.

Speaker 2 62:33
Ah, that's a good question. It's there's always a little bit of good judgment, right, but you are always entitled to give an opinion because it's an opinion, you're not, it's not a fact, and actually giving an opinion about something that's outside the department is actually a positive thing, it's going to show that you are, you are aware you have opinions of beyond your scope and that's how you can grow because we because Okay, this person has opinions and has vision around above and beyond her. Her role. And so that's very positive, not it's all about how you say it you want to, you don't want to sound like you're annoyed. All right, or that it's like the Absolute Truth. You want it to be an opinion. You're gonna speak up and you're gonna say okay this is how I feel about this, or this is, here's an idea, you're not going to apologize. You're not going to diminish yourself and you're not going to speak hesitant in language. You're going to show up fully but you're going to on the opinion, I believe this. This is my view. And you're going to say I. And you're going to show it, and there's nothing wrong with that you might even be viewed, you're probably going to be even viewed by leadership, As somebody who is, is, is closer we're ready for promotion because you're sharing beyond your scope. You know,

Speaker 1 64:03
That's all the time that we have for questions right now, but thank you so so much for, for taking the time to be here today for your presentation, and for answering all the questions that came in, thank you so much and thanks everyone for tuning in. If you do still have questions for Ivna though, feel free to reach out to her via her website that link is in the chat. And we'll also send this link out via a thank you email it will be sent to you tomorrow so keep an eye out for that as well.

Speaker 2 64:29
Thanks, everyone. Thank you everyone I really really appreciate you being here today and participating in all the polls and your questions, and I hope to see you somewhere else as well.

Speaker 1 64:42
Take care. Bye.

Wednesday, July 29, 2020 2:00 PM - 2:45 PM EDT


Confidence can help you feel more valued by others, increase your influence, and create more impact through your work. And there is one skill that you can learn that will boost your confidence without having to use affirmations, do visualizations, or dress to impress. That skill is assertive communication.

In this online event you will discover:

  • Your most used communication style
  • The 10 habits of confident and assertive communicators
  • The assertive conversation formula

This online event is for you if you want to increase your confidence, improve your interpersonal communication, or be more fulfilled at work.

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Ivna Curi is the Founder of Assertive Way, created to empower professionals and especially women to become their best and authentic version at work through confident, candid, and caring conversations.



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VP Operations & Strategy at Ellevate Network

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