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Webinar: NO-vember: How to Stop People Pleasing and Say Yes to Your Goals

Are you concerned about what other people think of you? Tune in to learn why people-pleasing is such a bad habit, how to give yourself permission to say "no," and how to be self-honoring instead.

Summary

Krista Resnick 0:00
awesome to be with you all here today, I say all like I can see you, but I just I'm pretending that I can see you. And some of you might be, you know, coming in hot on two wheels from a meeting or just maybe dropping your kids off at childcare or whatever, I don't know if that's even happening now here in our community actually still is. But whatever your situation, whatever your experience, however you're entering into this container for the next 45 to 60 minutes, I just want you to know that I'm so glad that you're here. And I really want you to take a minute. And I want you to really celebrate yourself. It's a big deal, and something that in our culture, and in our world, and as women, we over look so quickly, the fact that you gave yourself permission, which is really kind of what we're talking about today, to carve out this time to explore patterns and behaviors habits is a massive, massive way for you to honor yourself. So just sit with that for a minute and really celebrate that Yay, you Yay, you that you took this time and you said you know what, I deserve this. And I think I'm going to go into this with an open mind. And I'm going to learn some things. And I'm going to maybe come out of this, doing some things different and having a little bit of knowledge and information so that I can begin to heal some of these patterns, and stop this people pleasing, and really move into being an expression of my purpose, and honoring my goals. So that's really what we're going to unpack today. So there's actually a lot of questions that came in from many of you, which is no surprise, this is a massive, massive topic. It's also a much deeper topic than what some of you maybe are thinking. So we're going to go beneath the surface. Today, we're going to go there, I'm going to ask you to use the chat box, we're going to try to be as interactive as we can be. And so I was able to kind of weave in some of your questions into the webinar naturally. I'm not sure where we're going to land at the end, if we're going to have time for questions. But I want you to hang on because at the end of this webinar, if I wasn't able to answer your question or a question came up through the webinar, you're going to have a pretty incredible opportunity at the end of this webinar to ask me some questions. And you're going to hear more about that at the end. If you aren't able to stay on for the entire webinar, please reach out to me via the elevate email or that elevate messaging, and asked me what this opportunity is because this is something that you really need to say yes to. And it's a massive component in taking that first step again, in honoring yourself. So stay tuned for that that's coming at the end of the webinar. All right, so I am Krista Resnick, I'm a success coach. I'm a leadership expert. And I help women stop settling, embrace who they are, and really define success on her own terms. I'm also the mom of three boys, which probably qualifies me for a lot. And what I really am passionate about is helping women release many of the patterns that they have created in their lives in order to feel safe. And I support women in creating a life that likes lights their soul on fire. by releasing these patterns by unchaining themselves. That's a word I tend to make up my own words unchaining themselves releasing themselves from these patterns. So I've used the word pattern several times. Some of you might be wondering, What is she talking about? So these patterns can look like perfectionism and

Krista Resnick 4:14
approval seeking

Krista Resnick 4:17
imposter syndrome, you know that oh my gosh, When are they going to find out that I'm not as good as I say that I am in comparison itis. being overly strong all the time can also be a pattern control overachieving I might have already said comparison itis but today, we're going to focus specifically on the pattern of people pleasing, and I'm going to share with you tools that I used first and foremost, to heal myself. I like to consider myself a bit of an expert This topic, because I was a massive peace people pleaser. And it destroyed relationships. And it destroyed my own life and my own health. And so that's first and foremost, I want you to know that I'm coming from a place of my truth, what was true for me? And also what has been true and what hasn't been effective for my clients. So let's kind of pretend that in the next, you know, 45 ish minutes or so that this is sort of a buffet. And if there's some things that really work well for you, that land for you, great, pick them up, use them. If there's some things where you're like, that didn't really land for me. No, I don't think so I don't agree with that. Just simply say, no thank you and pass on by. So there's going to be a few different conversations kind of going here, we're going to talk about boundaries, which are a massive component of people pleasing. And so just know that again, some things might land for you.

Krista Resnick 6:02
Some things may not.

Krista Resnick 6:04
But I know you're going to get a lot of value out of this next 45 minutes.

Krista Resnick 6:07
So despite the

Krista Resnick 6:08
fact that, you know, a lot of people thought I had my life together, I had the right house, I had a great partner, I had the right handbags, I was taking all the right vacations. I was, you know, successful at my business, my husband had a successful business. I had it all together, right. And what people didn't know is how much I was suffering on the inside. And how I would struggle to put on a bright, happy face before I left the door. I had a very deep sense of not believing that I was enough. And so I would strive for, shall we say learning more facts. I always had to kind of collect facts and research so that I would show up in certain environments, you know, looking like I knew what I was talking about, or looking like, you know, maybe I was the smartest one in the group. I always strive to do more good. I always strived to help people to make people feel good. And to give more love. I was constantly striving, striving, striving. I really had a deep longing to be a part of the crowd. At 35 years old, I still desperately wanted to fit in, above all else. And the way that I did that was through people pleasing. I had little behaviors, I had stories, I had patterns that said, Well, you know, let's all just go along to get along Shelly, and oh, you know, let's not upset the applecart and oh, I better not say that, that might make that person upset. And so what I know to be true is that, you know, pushing your your opinions, and your beliefs and your thoughts down to the point where you are excruciating Lee uncomfortable is never okay. It's never okay. And I lived that way for a really long time. And the other thing that I know to be true about being welcomed into the in crowd and the in crowd for you might be your neighborhood, it might be the PTA, it might be your colleagues, whatever the in crowd is for you. What I know to be true is oftentimes being part of the in crowd means giving up your authenticity in favor of the majority. Now, there's a quote that I heard years ago, I am not able to give credit where credit is due in terms of who said this quote first. And it's a little bit of a shocker and I'm going to share the quote with you and then we're going to unpack what it means. Okay. And that quote is, people pleasers are liars. I know I warned you it's gonna be a little bit of shocker. people pleasers and years ago when I heard this quote, I thought what what? What does that even mean? I, I don't understand. And through healing myself, and through then, you know, serving and helping my clients heal. What I've learned to be true, is that people pleasers are liars. Because what's happening is you're shifting and changing like a chameleon to try to sort of blend in with whomever you're with your next really giving yourself full permission to be you. So you're lying in essence, to yourself and to everyone else around you. A people pleasers main goal is usually to please everybody in their external world. So there's this constant having to adjust yourself. Or at least that's the story that you've told yourself. That's the pattern playing out. And the pattern plays out because we all want to feel safe. We all want to be seen, we all want to be valued. We all want to understand that we are worthy, and that we're likeable and that we're lovable. So one of the very things that holds us back from being this full, authentic,

Krista Resnick 10:55
beautiful

Krista Resnick 10:56
expression of ourselves and living our truth is people pleasing. Now, don't get my lipstick. I will share with you my lipstick at the end of the webinar. That is hysterical. Okay, that is a great first question. All right. Um, now don't get me wrong. Us people pleasers. We're good peeps, aren't we we are great people. I like to actually call myself a recovering people pleaser. We're very, very nice people. We want everybody in our external world again, to be happy. So here we go. We run around. And we're doing things for everybody else, making sure that the T's are crossed, making sure that the i's are dotted doing people favors taking on whatever we can. I call this contorting yourself into a people pleasing pretzel. It's kind of like Oh, you're just contorting yourself all the time to meet everybody else's needs. One of the biggest habits of people pleasers is that we say yes. When we so desperately want to say no. We worry that if we say no, people aren't going to like us. We're going to be kicked out of the tribe. Somebody might judge us. Somebody might not think we're good peeps,

Krista Resnick 12:34
somebody might have something to say about us, they might criticize us,

Krista Resnick 12:40
we'll be rejected, we'll be kicked out of the tribe, we'll be kicked out of the cool kids club. And I'm going to drop another massive truth bomb. And this is what I know to be true again, for myself. Again, you take what you need from this webinar, just like a buffet, you just pass on by I don't think any of us are probably going to phase right now in our current culture, but I think you'll probably know what a buffet is just like a buffet, you know, just pass on by the things that don't appeal to you. But this is going to be another truth bomb. People pleasing what I have come to know to be true from for myself and for my clients is selfish. People pleasing is selfish. Now why would I say such a bold statement? I lean into this because people pleasing is actually all about, you have the underbelly of all of the excess doing all of the excess, giving the contorting yourself again, into that people pleasing pretzel is the need to be seen and validated, needed and appreciated. And what's happening is you're actually using other people to get your needs met, to feel worthy to feel enough. But in reality, what's happening is you're giving away your power. You're giving away your agency. And plus, as we've already talked about, people pleasing, totally stifles your authentic expression. And I'm here to tell you that you are worthy. You are enough your worthiness is your birthright and you don't need to overstep boundary lines and contort yourself to the point of stress and burnout and exhaustion. To be approved of your worthiness comes from you accepting you So most people pleasers would rather lie, than tell the truth about their honest feelings, as long as the other person is getting what they need, and they're happy. Well, now, you know, as a people pleaser, we've just we've done our job because someone's happy, right? And sometimes it can be really difficult to identify as a people pleaser, because remember, we're good peeps, we're always doing good things. We're always doing kind things. And I want you to hear me say, very clearly, that part of having relationships in this world involves honoring other people's needs, honoring other people's desires, taking other people's feelings into account that comes from a place of care and concern that is coming from a place of service. How can I serve you because I love you and care about you. Really quick example. My husband owns a company here in our local community. And there's a small, very intimate concert happening on Saturday evening, social distancing, of course, and all of that. And so my husband thought it would be a great idea to buy every one of his managers a ticket for this concert. Now, despite the fact some of you may have picked up that I have a very outgoing, vibrant personality, there's not a shy bone in my body, I am a hardcore introvert. Like there is nothing better than crawling under my cozy blanket, at the end of a good day, good work day, making my cup of peppermint tea, and divulging a good book. So this concert happening on Saturday night, literally makes me want to stab my eyeballs out of my head. But I love my husband. And I know this is something that fills his cup. And I know it is something that I can do to honor him because I care about him.

Krista Resnick 17:11
Right.

Krista Resnick 17:14
And the same goes, you know, we have that reciprocity in our relationship. He honors the way that I feel back up. And so will it be the best night of my life? No. But I will go and do it as a way to honor him. So yes, yes, there is that give and take. But oftentimes, where we go wrong, is we're trying to earn the regard of others. And when people call themselves a people pleaser, that's where I know there's a red flag, right, that's where there's a sign that you're probably neglecting your own needs and feelings a majority of the time. And in a way, people pleasers are kind of putting on an act. Because, you know, we're doing things that we think will make people like us. And some of you might even only you might just pretend to be happy helping and really inside you're miserable. That's part of keeping people happy as well just stuffed down what makes me happy, in attempt to keep you know, Sally happy. So, again, this isn't exactly honest,

Krista Resnick 18:31
is it?

Krista Resnick 18:33
Which is why I go back to that original kind of harsh truth

Krista Resnick 18:36
bomb

Krista Resnick 18:36
that oftentimes people pleasers are liars. People pleasing and I know this to be truth with a th can harm you in the relationship you have with yourself first and foremost. And the relationships that you have in your life, because nobody in your life is actually getting the best you they're not getting the authentic you. So how does people pleasing affect you? And what are some of the symptoms that you want to watch for? Let's unpack this? Well, perhaps you find that you are frustrated and resentful a lot of the times. Maybe you feel like people take advantage of you a lot. Your relationships perhaps don't satisfy you. Remember, relationships are given take. You might feel overly stressed and burned out from the load of responsibility and tasks that you're taking on. You might notice that your partner and your friends get frustrated with you, your partner might start to notice or somebody that's really close to you, the way that you're agreeing with everybody. And he or she may wonder well, why she apologizing for things that she didn't even do. We're really great at apologizing For things we didn't do, right. And here's another thing. People pleasing can backfire massively. When you do so much for others, that you're actually taking away their agency and their power to do things

Krista Resnick 20:17
for themselves.

Krista Resnick 20:19
We haven't started to talk about boundaries yet. But one of the things that I decided, when my son's, I have a 21 year old, 18 year old and 16 year old. One of the things that I decided when they were about 12 years old was I was not available to do their laundry any longer. I just wasn't available for it. And I brought them into the laundry room, I set them up, I taught them how to do the laundry. I said, if you have any questions, let me know good luck. And I have not touched their laundry since. And I will tell you watching my 21 year old he is such a responsible young man out clean the bathrooms either that's on them.

Krista Resnick 21:05
So

Krista Resnick 21:07
the point to me sharing kind of that personal story is I couldn't do their laundry, I could clean their bathroom, right? I'm literally taking away that agency. And that satisfaction and that pride and that relationship that they're building with themselves by overstepping and taking those opportunities from them. And the people pleaser in me years ago, would have loved to have done that. But I got to a point where I just decided I'm not available for that anymore.

Krista Resnick 21:37
So

Krista Resnick 21:38
how do you know if you're a people pleaser? What do you watch out for? Pay attention to where you pretend to agree with other people around you? Where are you feeling a heaviness? Or a massive responsibility? For those around you. Pay attention to where you're not using your voice where you're not sharing your opinions? Do you constantly feel empty? Do you maybe not even know what's important to you? Because remember, people pleasers tend to be chameleons constantly shifting, constantly adjusting, so we lose all sense of self. And this was my

Krista Resnick 22:24
story.

Krista Resnick 22:24
I didn't have a solid foundation. I didn't understand even really what my beliefs and opinions always were. Sometimes I did. But a lot of times I didn't because I had lost my sense of self. It was so wrapped up in what everybody else thought that I had no sense of relationship with myself.

Do you feel uncomfortable receiving this is a massive one for women, it can range there's a spectrum? Do you struggle to just receive a simple compliment? To Do you really struggle to receive help and support? Do you always go with the flow? Do you find that you apologize often? Do you feel burdened by the things that you need to do?

Krista Resnick 23:13
And

Krista Resnick 23:15
perhaps there's a chance that some of your calendars are filled with activities that you think other people want you to do? And perhaps you can't say no. If you want to start using the chat, to share a little bit how people pleasing shows up for you. This would be a great opportunity as I'm kind of listing these out. be thinking about these and use the chat to share with your with your fellow peeps here your fellow, you know, elevate members.

Krista Resnick 23:52
What really

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is landing for you in terms of how people pleasing shows up for you. Maybe you feel really uncomfortable if somebody's angry with you. Again, maybe you kind of take on the character characteristics and traits of the people around you. You start acting like the people around you. And again, that goes back to the whole chameleon ism. You need praise to feel good now. We all need an Attaboy at a girl Good job. I see you every single one of us. But what we're talking about in this webinar as it pertains to people pleasing is when you are dependent on validation we are talking about your self worth resting entirely on what other people think of you and only feeling good. When others shower you with compliments. Do you go to all links to avoid conflict? What about when your feelings get hurt? How often does that happen? Are you offended? and feelings hurt all the time? Um, so I'm going to check the chat here. avoid conflict. Thank you for your sweet compliment about my glasses. I am an animal print lover as well. Thank you, Eva. Um, I'm going to pass the questions for right now just to keep in track and in line with with teaching content, but that does not mean that I will not come back to that amazing, awesome question. Um, ah, my spirit animal was chameleon. Yes. Yes, go ahead. And please keep typing. Which one of those How? How does people pleasing show up for you identify that get clarity around that. I've trouble allowing people to help me. When I entertain. I want to do it all myself, because I get so much satisfaction from doing it all. Yeah, that was me. And I remember when my 21 year old turned one. I mean, I had to do everything from scratch everything. I actually had three patterns. I had people pleasing perfectionism and proving. So I was like nailing it. I was like high achiever. And so I mean, everything had to be perfect, right for this birthday party, like homemade invites. And I remember, I remember, everybody pulling out of the driveway at the end of the party, and I was watching the taillights in the dark of the night. And my legs were aching and throbbing because I had been on my feet for days. And I didn't enjoy the party. And mostly I didn't enjoy my son wasn't present. Because I was so wrapped up in impressing other people, because I thrived on that validation. Avoiding conflict, yep, trouble asking for help, totally normal. So I want to take a break for just a second. And I want to point out the chat. We are living in a time where many people are feeling isolated, and alone. And I want you to just go through and read the chat a little bit. With the mindset that we are all humans having a human experience. I don't think any of you that are watching our robots, I'm quite certain I could be wrong. But because you're human, it tells me that you're having a human experience. And that means we all have patterns. We all have suffering from time to time.

Krista Resnick 27:53
And, and what

Krista Resnick 27:54
that helps us do as human beings, when we look at that chat and go, Oh my gosh, it's even struggles with that. And Pam was brave enough to share that Me too. It helps unite us, it helps connect us. And it helps us remember we're not alone. And a lot of us need that right now. So I just want you to think about that for a minute. Thank you, for those of you that are using the chat, this is how we heal is by being seen. And by going there and being a little bit vulnerable. So thank you, it's a massive gift to yourself. Okay, and here's the thing, you can't form authentic relationships with other people, unless you're willing to speak up, unless you're willing to say you hurt my feelings. I don't appreciate that. Or whatever it is, you need to say. I didn't know denying that you're disappointed denying that. Someone humiliated you criticized you disappointed you upset you made you angry and keeps a relationship very superficial. And I think a lot of you probably want to deepen your relationships. So keep that in mind. So, so far, what we've established is that people pleasing is unhealthy because it stifles our authenticity, it dims our lightener

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truth, which leads to resent meant. We're going to talk about that in a few minutes.

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leads to anxiety and it leads to disappointment, overwhelm, anger and

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blame.

Krista Resnick 29:51
And of course those feelings are driving many of you to just feel emotionally tanked out and exhausted. I'm not going to camp on this parade for a real long time. But I just want to point out that something else to just be mindful of and pay attention to, is because of so many of you might be on that gas tank is on E, you may start to notice that you're engaging in what I call shadow behavior, you're doing that as a way to fill your own cup, this might not even be conscious, lots of this is unconscious. And the shadow is part of the personality that we choose to reject and repress. So you might find that you are spending hours scrolling on social media, or whatever it is, you scroll on, you might find that you resort to you know, something like drinking, just to kind of find a reprieve and rebalance from all of that giving, giving, giving, giving, giving,

Krista Resnick 30:58
mine was shopping.

Krista Resnick 31:00
Mine was shopping. I mean, it was ugly. And that's how I filled my tank. That's how I kind of got that hit and filled my own cup back up. So I had a lot of healing work to do around that as well. So why do we begin this crazy pattern?

Krista Resnick 31:21
Let's go there.

Krista Resnick 31:22
Let's take the band aid off. Why do we start this pattern of depletion and, and exhaustion and burnout and overwhelm and not living our best life, not pursuing our goals? People pleasing becomes normal as an adult. When we have not healed our childhood patterns,

Krista Resnick 31:48
and wounds,

Krista Resnick 31:50
deep down, people pleasing comes from a childhood pattern, a childhood way of thinking that how we get love, and how we get validation and stay safe in the world is by making sure that everybody around us likes us that we fit in and that people are okay, people aren't mad at us. And so I'm going to ask you, again to do something really brave, because this is how we start to heal. This is how we start to rip the band aid off and clean out the wound a little bit so that we can move on and pursue or pursue our goals, and be an expression of our purpose and be our authentic selves. I'm going to ask you to take a little trip back into your childhood. And I want you to think about a time 6785 910 maybe not much past 12. And I want you to think about a time that maybe you were embarrassed. You were humiliated. You were ashamed, you felt exposed. You felt worthless, alone, unsafe. And I want you to pull that memory up in your mind's eye. And I want you to just sit with it for a moment. Once you have it

Krista Resnick 33:22
pulled up

Krista Resnick 33:30
one of my memories, we have a lot of different stories and patterns. It's usually not one that we pull up. around one that we fall into, like I said mine was perfectionism. People pleasing and proving. But one of mine was one of my memories was second grade. When I had my teacher Her name was Miss Burch. And she was an interesting woman to say the least. And I was really struggling with math, I could not comprehend the concept of carrying over when it came to subtraction specifically, it just was not connecting with me. It wasn't landing with me and the way that she was teaching it. And she would stand over my desk and she would scream and she would holler and she would humiliate me. And I just remember thinking if there was a hole that I could dig, and get out of this situation right now, I would dig so hard, so fast for so long to just get out of this, this feeling. And so the story that I created from that event, and it didn't happen just once was that I wasn't smart. I carried that story with me my friends until I was about 40 years old. That was constantly playing out in my mind every time I sat down to do something for my business or accounting or you know my tax type stuff it was you're not smart. You're not smart. You're so stupid. And so I want you to think about that, what that moment kind of was for you. And I'm going to ask you, what did that or those situations cause you to believe about yourself,

Krista Resnick 35:23
and life?

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And I'm going to ask you to use the chat. What did that situation that that memory that you pulled up? What did that cause you to believe about yourself, and about life. And again, I want you to remember, we're all in this together. we all struggle, we all hurt at times. And we're not alone. And we don't have to stay there. Because this is a pattern. We can totally heal it. We can totally heal it.

Krista Resnick 36:02
I was alone in the world. Yeah. Um, I envy those who Oh, yeah, I hear that a lot. Eva,

Krista Resnick 36:10
I hear that a lot. Yeah, that's not the first time I've heard that. So know that. And it could be that, you know, maybe you're suppressing because possibly I don't know, this is just I'm taking a stab at it. Because maybe there was some trauma that occurred, actually, there's trauma that occurs for all of us. trauma is not just limited to things like PTSD. trauma is actually anytime we felt like we could not be in full authentic expression of ourselves. So we're literally all walking around with trauma, unhealed trauma. Yeah. Good. Good. I'm glad that resonated with you, Eva, that's awesome. Yeah, I have a memory that makes me afraid to stand out for any reason, because people will knock you down. Yes. Yes, Leah. Absolutely. I wanted to make a portal to go through to get out. Yes, I don't fit in. That's when I hear a lot from my clients. I wasn't part of the cool kids club, right. I remember that fifth grade, you know, not getting included to the popular girls birthday party. Sixth grade, not making the cheer squad was humiliated. I was embarrassed. We all have stories like that, right? And it's the meaning that we made out of them. It's the beliefs that we created at that ripe little age. Those get implanted into our subconscious mind. And then those are the patterns that we end up carrying out for decades until they're surfacing enough. And we're ready to say Okay, it's time to go there. I'm ready to heal. Yeah. Kept Keep quiet. Yep. Yep. That was me to Pam. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. Next question. And again, I'm going to ask you to use the chat. So you've got this story. I wasn't part of the cool kids club. I wasn't worthy. I wasn't enough. I'm not smart. You know, whatever. Whatever your stories are. Who did you have to be to receive love and validation? Now as your Yeah, but I just thought that that caught my eye the bullied

Krista Resnick 38:31
Yeah,

Krista Resnick 38:31
yes. Yes, absolutely. Of course. I just watched this happen this week. Diana with a client who is around your age and we went back

to that moment where she didn't make the cheer squad and she felt rejected and she felt humiliated and and all of the things and we did some healing work around that and she has never felt so light and so free. Okay, so who did you have to be to receive love and validation and again, while you're using the chat, I'm going to share a personal story just so that you can kind of go Okay, that's what she means. So I grew up in a really great family. And every one of my physical needs was met. I had a butterfly. bedspread, that's what we called it in my house back then bedspread with matching butterfly curtains.

I had a lunchbox right I had nice clothes, nothing fancy but I always had nice clothes. You know, mom took me down to the local her burgers when I was I don't know, maybe 15 you know, picked out some makeup for me. always had a backpacks, you know, always physically had what I needed.

Krista Resnick 39:57
Now emotionally I ran about a d. d minus home.

Krista Resnick 40:05
emotionally. My parents were not available at all. There were no I love yous. I'm 45 I still have never been told by my parents that they love me. There were no hugs. There was no affection. emotions were they were taboo, so they were pushed down. Now that might not seem like a big deal to some of you. But when you're a little girl, you need to be told that you're special. You need to be told that you matter. You need to be told that you're beautiful. And I wasn't told any of those things ever. And a lot of times I was criticized and I was judged very harshly in my own home. And so the pattern that I started to carry out who I started to be to receive love and validation is this contortionist is people pleasing pretzel. I was always walking on eggshells to make sure everybody was happy with me. People not liking me as a child was like the kiss of death and a teenager to even in my 20s I was addicted to other people's approval because I never got it. I never got it. So who did you have to be? A lot of my clients are, you know, they'll say I had a great home, I don't know what you're talking about. And when we do the further digging, a lot of high achievement. A lot of you will not walk through that front door. Unless it was unless you have an A or you will go to this Ivy League school, things of that nature. And so that creates a lot of perfectionism. A lot of just, you know, go go go go breakneck speed constantly trying to achieve and prove myself. So who did you have to be? I see strong I see independent, and not ask for any one for anyone for anything. Yes. Um, children are to be seen and not heard yet. That was that was Yep. Welcome to the club. He needed a lot of help. And a special needs brother. Yeah. So tried to be the perfect child. Absolutely. So you starting to see, thank you. Thank you for being brave and courageous and really going there. It's the honesty behind the honesty that will help you break free from these patterns. Truly, and I know it's not easy. But again, remember, look at that chat. We're in this together. We're in this together, you're not alone. Everybody has patterns. Again, unless you're watching and you're a robot. To be nice had to be perfect loner. Yes. Again, had to be perfect older child. Yes. And as conscious and aware. And all the work that I've done as a coach, the work of me, I know my 21 year old, I can see that pattern playing out in him a little bit, just this constant, having to strive and prove. So as conscious and aware, as we all think we are, there's there's always been as good parents, as we think we are for those of you that are watching their parents, there's always going to be something. So you just got to step into acceptance and let it go. All right. Again, my parents were wonderful people. So this is not about blame. And this is not about you know, pointing to blaming somebody. Blame only drives us straight to victim mode. And we are not victimless. We are powerful, amazing women. So my parents did the best they could and so did your parents with the parenting tips and tools and tricks that they had in their bag. Okay.

Krista Resnick 44:01
So

Krista Resnick 44:03
it doesn't mean though, that you have to, what I really want to offer up to you is this concept of acceptance. And acceptance doesn't mean that you have to like what happened to you as a child. It doesn't mean that, you know, you have to sit in gratitude for it and appreciate it right now. But it's about letting go of the fight. It's about resisting how your childhood looked and how it should have looked different. Okay. So it's important for you to get clarity around this because again, like I said, Now we can heal the pattern now we can start to reparent ourselves. unconscious parents are repeating the same habits and patterns that they learned. They're operating from their own loans, because of their own unprocessed emotions. So that's really important. I want to I just want to make sure that you know, we are not leaving this webinar on Feeling like victims? Because we are not, that is not helpful. So re parenting is the act of giving yourself what you did not receive as a child. And one of the ways that we can do that is with compassion. It's to remind ourselves and this is really simple. People pleasing isn't possible. It's simply to remind myself, okay, pleasing, everyone is not possible one of my favorite mantras, you are more than welcome to take it. If it works for you, if it feels good to you, is you can't please everyone, you are not pizza. So think about that. Even if you were gluten and dairy free pizza, all the other kind of specialty pizzas that are out there. You still wouldn't please everybody. Right? And it's kind of a silly, playful way to kind of go. Yeah, how crazy is that? That I'm actually trying to please everybody. So there are a lot of ways that we can begin to heal ourselves. There's not just a one track way. But for sake of time, you know, I'm going to give you what I think is the best way. Okay? So we can start speaking up in groups, little things, we can learn to receive a compliment. We can learn to receive a gift, we can learn to receive help. We can say You know what? I want to go have nachos. On Thursday night, Chinese. We can use our opinions and our voice for the things that we want. We can be more decisive in groups and in group situations. So the first step, before I give you the big way to plug the people pleasing drain is noticing awareness. You've probably all heard it before. I want you to think about this next question. Use the chat again, please. Where do you keep saying yes? When you want to say no? Where do you keep saying yes? When you want to say no? Where do you need support in this? get clarity? unclear is unkind. Clarity breeds mastery. Where do you keep saying yes. When you want to say no? Where are what areas in your life? Are you compromising yourself? To make sure you're pleasing the people around you? Work? serving a professional association? Yep. Keep going. So the first line of order, we're gonna, we're gonna plug those those drains that are leaking, you have all of your beautiful good energy, we're gonna plug that people pleasing drain. first line of order, my friends, is to say no. And to say no without justification, and without over explaining. So what is it right now? What is something that you're doing? That's a no, but you keep making it a yes. Take a look at that. Work family. paid work. Volunteer work, parenting. Yep. Yep, yep. Yep. All of it. Yes. So what is something right now that you're doing? That's a no, and you keep making it a yes. What's causing that to be true? And what do you need to think? Or what support? Do you need? To say no. Then I really want you to lean into this. I love that you're here hanging out with me, learning some things about yourself. Learning how to heal these patterns, learning how to implement boundaries.

But implementing or I'm sorry, information does not automatically equal transformation. We need that middle pleat piece. And this is where I see people struggling. It's called implementation. So while I'm thrilled that you're here joining me, we need to take action. We can't just learn the stuff that I'm sharing, and then not utilize it. Right? What good would that be? So you're gonna go say, No. All that stuff that you wrote in the chat, you're going to go say no. And you're going to share the results with me. And we're going to talk in just a couple of minutes how you're going to do that. Having coached and taught hundreds of women all over the globe, nothing will drive your growth faster than support and accountability, nothing. And so again, I'm going to give you the outcome To do that, and there's got to be that implementation piece. So the number one way we can begin to heal and make self Honoring Choices instead is by giving ourselves permission to say no. boundaries, boundaries. And I'm going to go through this fast because we're inching in on time. So boundaries tend to evoke a lot of confusion and terror and many people. And I think there's a lot of misconceptions about boundaries, boundaries are also one of my favorite topics to talk about. And they get a really bad rap. Because you know, boundaries are something that mean people do. Right, when in reality, boundaries are some of the most kindness loving things that you can do for yourself and for other people. But as women, what do we do? We tell ourselves a story that if we don't set a boundary, or if we do set a boundary, so and so in the cubicle next door isn't going to like us or our next door neighbor is going to think less of us. Those are the stories we tell ourselves. So I'm going to start by telling you what boundaries are not. They are not about aggressive confrontation. They are not about being argumentative, they are not about being combative. They are not ultimatums, they are not threats, they are not about building a wall to keep others out. They're not about you know, getting mean and shaking your finger in somebody's face. They're not that at all. I have drilled down boundaries in a way that really lands well for people, my clients, my students love it, and I'm going to share it with you. Boundaries are what you deem as acceptable and unacceptable in your life, their rules, and their guidelines for your life. boundaries, in their simplest form are, this is what I'm available for. This is what I'm not available for. Remember, it goes back to telling my kids at 12 years old, I am not available to do your laundry anymore. That's it. This is what I'm available for. This is what I'm not available for. at a deeper level. Boundaries are a key indicator, if you're loving and honoring your worth. Boundaries are one of the biggest pieces of evidence and whether or not you are honoring yourself and honoring your worth. Boundaries are love. They are love to yourself. They are love to everyone around you. And again, simplest form, this is what I'm available for. This is what I'm not available for lack of boundaries looks like signing yourself up for being a martyr. You know, martyr is that I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I call it the totally girl. If any of you grew up in the 80s, and you read the sweet Valley High books, the California totally girl, I'll totally do that. I'll totally do that. Oh, totally cut me in for that. And then what happens is you're complaining and moaning behind the scenes because you don't have time to prioritize yourself. That's a martyr. resentment, anger, frustration, depletion, burnout, why doesn't everybody anybody see me? Those are some of the ways that lack of boundaries show up. So let's talk really fast. How do you need? How do you know where you need boundaries? Because some of you're like, yeah, this is great. But how do I know where I need boundaries, take a look at where you're depleted. Take a look at where you're angry. Take a look at where you're frustrated, exactly exhausted. Take a look at where you want to get X, Y and Z accomplished. Take a look at where you feel like the world is falling apart. Take a look at where you're resentful.

That's where you know you need to implement a boundary. It's actually quite, quite simple. So what's stopping you from implementing boundaries? And the areas of your life where you need them? Go ahead and type in the chat. What's stopping you? And here's the thing. As long as you're tied to the acceptance and approval of other people, when you're handcuffed to that boundaries are really going to be a struggle. Because you're not prioritizing what really matters to you. You're too concerned with what other people think. You're being called me. Yeah. Need fear of beaten Fear not feeling needed. Yes. Yes. You're being unliked. Yes, yes. Right. All of that. Yes. Yes, yes. So, if you desire sustainable change, if you really want to be someone who shows up different in your reality and plugs Some of these drains, this is the kind of work that you get to do. It's the best work that you could ever do. It's the work of you. So what I want to do is I want to invite you to my seven secrets of sustainable success. Now lean into this. This is a seven day free, free micro course or a challenge, if you want to call it that, where we have more space and time to dive in, so that you can have some of these extraordinary shifts in your life and in your work. And because I have a really special relationship with elevate, I love my elevate people. Once you sign up for the seven secrets of sustainable success challenge, I'm hosting a private zoom coaching session next Friday at 10:30am Central Standard Time for you women of elevate only, if you sign up for the seven secrets, what we're going to do is we're going to come into that container, that zoom container. And you're going to have an opportunity to ask some of the questions that maybe did not get answered in the chat, or anything else that you want to ask me. So it's going to be a rapid fire, everybody gets about 1520 minutes, you're going to get your questions answered. And then the the seven secrets course starts on December 4. Okay. So I'm going to drop that in the chat right now. So that you all have access to that. I think I'm going to drop it in the chat we're going to see here and I will share with you where I get my lipstick as well.

Krista Resnick 56:55
All right, my lipstick.

Krista Resnick 56:58
It's called class.

Krista Resnick 57:01
Class beauty. It's a it's actually an extraordinary story, a young 17 year old kid created this company, extraordinary, extraordinary human. So it's a it's a company out of Hudson, Wisconsin. And the color is called risin. Tell and I do get a lot of compliments on it. So if you choose to buy it too, you'll get a lot of compliments do not to be a people pleaser or anything but so that is what I have

Krista Resnick 57:31
for

Krista Resnick 57:32
you. Um, so join the seven secrets. I'm telling you so many women from elevate, did it the last time I ran this challenge. The shifts, I'm telling you, my friends, you won't even believe it. Like seven days with me. They're about one hour long teachings and I and I'm doing this for free. It's just extraordinary. You don't

Krista Resnick 57:57
have to be

Krista Resnick 57:58
there live. replay is available live is super fun. And live is great because you get a chance to engage with me and ask me questions when you have me on Facebook Live. But replays, always, always, always available to you. So I want to serve you I want to help you heal from some of these patterns. Because nobody deserves to live with exhaustion, overwhelm, frustration, resentment, all of the low energy muck. So get yourself in the seven secrets, which again gives you access to next Friday with me

Krista Resnick 58:30
for free.

Krista Resnick 58:31
Why would you not?

Krista Resnick 58:33
So you sign up for the facebook live videos by signing up for the seven secrets of sustainable success. So you're so click on the link, that link is also going to go out in an email tomorrow. Yeah, so yes, if once you sign up for the seven secrets, you got access to me.

Krista Resnick 58:57
So

Krista Resnick 58:59
thank you. Thank you.

Johanna Pulgarin 59:01
So thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to be here again with us. Thanks, everyone, for joining for being as engaged and open. And then in the chat, we really appreciate it. That's what makes the what makes these virtual events feel so like we're still connecting with each other. So thank you so much. Part of this for being a part of elevate. We hope to see you at another event soon. And please do keep an eye out for an email from us. That will include Crystal's link that she shared in the chat. So if you missed it if you didn't get a chance to copy it. It will be in your inbox tomorrow afternoon.

Krista Resnick 59:39
Awesome. Thank you, everybody.

Johanna Pulgarin 59:41
Take care everybody.

Johanna Pulgarin 59:42
Bye bye


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